i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
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