Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
