she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
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