What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
