He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
