DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
