Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
