I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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