I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
