so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
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