I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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