I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Say something about gay babies.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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