Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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