11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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