This is not my ceiling
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Randomize
