New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
