why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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