there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I have already put on my inside pants.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
