i'm signing you up for texting rehab
You smell like stripper and shame
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
