this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
worst night to have a conscience
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
