My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
