my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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