i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
