well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Randomize
