I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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