Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
