I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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