Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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