I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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