I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
My liver is preforming stress tests.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
