I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
