I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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