i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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