I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
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