Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
