just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
