I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Randomize
