Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
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