Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
