you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Randomize
