currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Randomize
