i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
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