his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
