Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
