Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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