They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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