You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
did i just pee glitter
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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