I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
