Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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