hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
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