wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Randomize
